♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪
♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Kyle!
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
I can't take it!
Somebody help us!
Trapped in a unforgiving mountain wilderness
with no way out.
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
We were stuck. We were completely stuck.
Kyle, hurry!
Kyle, wake up! You got to wake up, Kyle!
For four elementary school boys,
a ordinary day becomes a descent into madness
on tonight's episode of...
Oh, God!
No!
Help, we're trapped!
We got to get out of here!
It's the last day of spring break,
and all over the small mountain town of South Park,
students are trying to have as much fun as possible.
For ten-year-old Stan Marsh
and his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny,
the last day has come too soon.
We really had spent the whole spring break
watching TV and playing Xbox, you know,
so we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous.
We could go to the city pool. They have a water slide.
No, no, no, I'm not getting in a pool with Kenny.
He has herpes.
- What? - Look at his lip.
You got herpes, dude.
It's not herpes. It's a cold sore.
No, cold sore is what girls call it, Kenny.
It's actually herpes.
Come on, guys. The day's wasting away.
What would be something really cool we could do?
And then, like, out of nowhere,
somebody came up with the idea of ziplining.
Yeah, ziplining. That could be really cool.
We've definitely not done that before.
I think there's a place just outside of town.
I'll see if my Uncle Jimbo will drop us off.
Cool! Ziplining.
Ziplining. Hell yeah!
Within 30 minutes, the boys are getting a ride
to the ziplining outfitters from Stan's Uncle Jimbo.
- Sweet! - All right!
We were in a good mood,
just joking around, you know?
Mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes.
Sick, Kenny! You got herpes, dude.
Ah! I almost touched it.
Sick! Oh! Sick, Kenny, no!
Gross.
It's just a fever blister.
Did you hear that, guys?
Kenny says it's just a fever blister.
You sound like a chick, Kenny.
That's herpes, dude. You got that shit till you die.
It's the idyllic spring break getaway
with friends and laughter.
- Whoo-hoo! - Yeah!
All right!
Hey, you guys here for the 2:00 zipline tour?
- Yeah. - All right.
Let me get you some helmets and some gear
and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar-nar.
And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets.
I think that's when we started realizing,
"Oh, wow, this is actually pretty dangerous."
All right, you guys look ready to zipline.
All right!
Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room
and we'll have you take a seat with the others.
And we were like, "Others?"
We have to do with this other people?"
Hi, there.
- Hello. - Hi.
The boys have just made a sobering discovery.
For ten-year-old Stan Marsh,
the realization that he will be with a tour group
has caused his adrenal gland to slow down.
The average human acts a certain way
when surrounded by friends and family,
but in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime,
acting nice and pretending to care
about people on the tour.
Hey, how are you?
Good, how are you?
So then we sit there for, like, 30 minutes
because we had to wait for this couple who was running late.
All right, our last zipliners are here.
Sorry, we made you wait, everybody.
Inside Kyle's mouth,
the muscles contract to force a smile,
even though, in his brain,
Kyle is thinking, "Dude, fuck you."
We don't mind.
Now everyone was there.
We thought things would start getting fun,
but that's when we had to watch the safety video.
Welcome to back country adventures.
Well, hey there, Michael.
Hey there, Michael.
It was, I don't know,
10, maybe 15 minutes of pure hell.
Oh, and don't forget to take in the nar.
Back to you, Michael.
Thanks, Michael. Anybody have any questions?
No.
I have a question.
Could we review the best ways to hold the rope again?
Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again
'cause you couldn't understand?
Really?
Let's get out there and get zipping.
- Jesus Christ. - Finally.
The boys think their ordeal is over,
but what they don't realize
is that things are about to go from bad to worse.
Here we go, guys. Ziplining!
Everyone just step on in the shuttle.
Shuttle?
How-how long do we have to take the shuttle?
It's about 45 minutes.
It's a devastating blow.
For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear.
His brain is already lacking excitement,
and now just the word "shuttle"
makes Kyle's brain fire neurons
that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be.
Well, come on, we don't have a choice.
All right, guys, should be about 45 minutes
to the freshest nar-nar.
Why don't we go around the van
and get to know each other a little bit?
Oh, that's okay.
Well, my name's Pete Nichols,
and this is my wife Donna.
And, uh... make a long story short,
we came out here to see our relatives
who live down in Moab.
They, uh, have been living there about 20 years now,
and, uh, long story short,
they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies,
we should try ziplining, so, long story short,
we looked around in the newspapers
and on the Internet
and on billboards, and, you know,
make a long story short,
we found this company and thought we'd give her a try.
So then we called and made a reservation,
and that's when, you know, long story short,
- we just thought... - Agh! Aghagh-agh!
It's almost 3:00,
and the boys are still on the shuttle.
We're getting close. Are you guys getting psyched?
Adults: Whoo!
But what the boys don't realize
is that a massive storm is brewing.
Last night, Eric Cartman had Kung Pao Spaghetti
from California Pizza Kitchen.
Inside Eric's stomach, the Kung Pao has just met
with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast.
It has already started to tear down the layers
of Barbecue BK Toppers
that have been building up for months.
And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists,
Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew.
The caffeine and sugar
turns the soupy fast-food liquid in his stomach
into a toxic gas.
When the gas is released, it carries with it
tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter...
fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage.
Dude, did you fart?
No.
All right, guys. We're here.
Thank God.
All right, here we are.
Looks like we got some good nar to zipline through today.
Uh, before we climb up and start ziplining,
does anyone care to know about these trees' biology?
The trees' biology?
We are running a little late,
but if anyone really wants to know,
we could take a few minutes.
I think we're good.
I'd like to know about the biology of the trees.
Okay, well, this is a Ponderosa Pine.
It covers a more extensive area than other Amer-
So after asshole gets his biology lesson,
we finally get to go ziplining.
All right, remember to keep your hands clear of the cable
and just let your equipment do the work.
Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline,
the camera's gonna take your picture,
so when I call out, "shaka bra,"
look up and give the camera a nice shaka, bra.
All right, you ready? Yeah.
- Ready to do some zipping? - Yeah.
All right, let's hear you say, "Zipline!"
Zipline.
Shaka bra!
Whoo-hoo! All right! Nice zip!
Well, how was it, Cartman?
It's totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
Oh, really?
Yeah, dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!
All right, Kyle, give me a "Zipline!"
Zipline.
Shaka bra!
It was like having the life sucked out of you.
That's all it is... Sliding down a cable.
Maybe without a tour group, it'd be kind of fun, maybe,
but this was just a complete disaster.
After a grueling 20 minutes
waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline,
the boys realize they have just wasted hours of their time,
and that is when the unthinkable happens.
All right, guys, let's get moving.
Only ten minutes to our next ziplines.
- Yeah! - All right!
The next ziplines? What are you talking about?
Excuse me, we aren't going back now?
Aren't we done?
This is a zipline tour. We got 16 more to go.
And it was like, wham!
Boys: No!
Everyone back in the shuttle.
Boys: No!
The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare
has only just begun.
♪ Traveling through that... ♪
Anyone have any questions
about the creek we're about to cross?
- Yes. - Aah!
♪ "Mm, ah!" went the little green frog one day ♪
♪ "Mm, ah!" went the little green frog ♪
Aah!
Let 'er rip!
Zipline!
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Next zipline's up here. We call it "The Terminator."
Trapped in a unforgiving mountain wilderness
with a tour group...
But, you know, to make a long story short,
I woke up this morning and...
Whee!
Could you get another picture of us?
Aah!
The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
I'm so fucking bored!
- Whoo-hoo! - Yeah!
- Nice one! Yeah! - Nice zip!
All right, you going next, Ricky?
- Help, help! - Somebody!
- Help, we're trapped! - Somebody help us!
- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo!
It's no use.
There's nobody around for miles.
There could be a helicopter. Maybe one'll fly overhead.
Face it, Stan. Nobody's coming for us.
- Zipline! - Whoo-hoo!
We should have never listened to you, Kyle.
Me?
Yeah, you! In the park this morning?
"I know. Let's all go ziplining.
We've never done that before."
Oh, no, don't try to pin this on me.
You're the one who brought it up.
I brought it up 'cause you already brought it up.
That's when I realized, nobody remembered.
Nobody remembered it was me
who came up with the idea to go ziplining.
Me.
- You fat piece of shit! - Fuck you, Kyle!
Guys, guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?
- Yes. - All right, look.
We can make it you guys. We can't panic.
If the four of us don't zipline,
the tour will move faster.
We are gonna make it out of here, okay?
But what the boys don't realize
is that Eric's body is already shutting down
from stage four diarrhea.
Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged
an Arby's Ultimate Angus.
In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea,
but Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew,
a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar
and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew.
His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste.
The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus
and into his underwear.
Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb.
Dude, did you just shit your pants?
No.
So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving
as fast as possible.
All right, guys.
This is is where we're gonna break for lunch.
Come in by the waterfall, gang.
Oh, no. Could-could we skip lunch and keep going?
Skip a free lunch? Not me.
Who wants sandwiches? We got turkey.
Ham.
Turkey ham.
Long story short, we...
You guys, seriously, something's wrong in my tummy.
Then stop drinking Double Dew, fat ass.
This is Diet Double Dew, Kyle.
It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew.
Oh, man, you guys.
I gotta get to a bathroom fast.
You're in a forest. Go take a crap.
If I crap in the woods,
the blood will attract beavers, Kyle.
Hey, uh, I'm so sorry, but we have an emergency.
Our friend is really, really sick.
Oh, you mean the little kid with the herpes?
Yeah.
That's not herpes. It's a cold sore.
Right. Sorry.
Yeah, his-his cold sore is really bad,
and, uh, he's losing blood, so we gotta go.
Gee, sorry, dude, but we're at the summit.
Our only way down is to zip down.
Adults: Zipline!
Zipline!
What about the stables?
Ooh, yeah, the stables.
There's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses.
I-I bet they can get you back.
Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables.
It seemed too good to be true.
Now, let me get this straight.
You want four horses, one for each of you?
- Yes, please. - I think we can set you up.
- Oh, thank God. - You see, guys?
This is gonna be sweet after all.
Step right out here and we'll get you going.
Got four more for you, Duncan.
- Hello! - Hi!
No!
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell...
Aah!
Trapped in a tour group on horseback
that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour.
Can we please go faster?
Go faster!
We got some lunch set up for you up ahead.
Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew.
Aah!
Uh-oh.
So anyway, long story short,
I was born in 1953 at 6:00 in the morning.
An attempt to make a bad day better
becomes a descent into madness on...
This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls.
Would y'all like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls?
Well, I certainly would.
- Yeah. - Please.
Kyle. Kyle.
Kyle, come on. Wake up.
Just go. Go without me.
No. We're not leaving you here, Kyle.
I can't take it anymore.
Why do people say, "Long story short"?
They're not making it short, Stan.
I just sat there, watching Kyle die,
and I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there.
But then this fire rose up inside of me.
I-I thought, "I can find us a way out."
I ran off and went searching for I don't know how long.
12 minutes?
And that's when I found it.
You guys, you guys, get up!
Listen to me. There's a lake 100 yards down that way.
They've got a marina with boats just sitting there.
- A marina? - We can take a boat, you guys.
We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay.
- What's the point? - Come on, you guys.
A boat all to ourselves? It'll be fun.
What could possibly go wrong?
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell...
Trapped on a 42-foot power boat,
which is only allowed to go five miles an hour.
Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea.
Well, it's not my diarrhea's fault
that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew.
Ziplining was your idea, you fat ass.
The fourth graders are in a nightmare
they cannot escape.
Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining?
Mine or Kyle's?
I don't know. I really don't give a shit.
For four elementary school boys,
an already tragic day becomes a descent into madness on...
- Aah! - Aah!
Oh, no. You're not stinking up the entire boat.
You're taking a crap off the side, into the water.
Aah!
Beavers!
After cleaning Cartman's diarrhea
and fighting off beavers,
the boys have made a terrifying discovery,
that boating is just as boring as ziplining.
The boat went really slow
and it just went round and round.
Aah!
If the boys fall asleep now from the lack of excitement,
they could die.
Here, everyone drink some Mountain Dew.
I don't know.
I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew, the-
the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake.
I told Cartman he had to share it.
I'm not sharing with Kenny. He has herpes.
Hey, fuck you, Cartman.
Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell,
and just when it seems it can't get any worse...
Kenny? Kenny!
Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.
Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
You bastards!
No, not they! You!
Look what your ziplining idea has done!
You killed Kenny! You're the bastard!
It wasn't my idea! It was yours!
You killed Kenny, you bastard!
And finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I said, "Stop it."
Stop it!
It was me.
My idea.
You?
Four days ago,
I came across a brochure for ziplining.
I thought it would be fun.
I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together.
So you intended for us to go ziplining all along?
Why, Stan?
If you signed up three friends,
you got a free iPod Nano.
You sold us out for an iPod Nano?
I had no idea ziplining would be so boring.
You... You killed Kenny.
You bastard! You bastard, Stan!
How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth?
I guess one.
The hardest part about it
is knowing you can't take it back.
I mean, it was a fifth generation Nano,
so I can't trade it in anywhere.
But then, miraculously,
the boys' prayers are finally answered.
It was a miracle.
He came to save us and take us back home.
You came for us!
Mr. Hankey!
Thank you, Mr. Hankey.
Howdy ho, boys. Let's get you back home.
We were saved. It was over.
After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness,
the boys are finally going home.
From the boat, the boys were airlifted
aboard Mr. Hankey's magical helicrapter.
In the four hours since they had left home,
the boys had traveled so far
that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them
on his 7-Turdy-7.
From there, it was only an hour ride back home
on the Poo-Choc Express.
Four friends, torn apart by tragedy,
would now start the long journey back to forgiveness.
Kenny McCormick's remains
were finally brought home to his parents,
and the boys received treatment for their herpes.
No, I didn't get herpes. I just had a cold sore.
Kyle Broflovski spent 27 days in the hospital,
having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages.
Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness
about the boredom risks of ziplining.
His awareness videos became so popular
that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego.
As for Eric Cartman, he refused to let the tragedy
stop him from doing what he loves most.
In just two weeks,
he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew,
defiant to "dew" the math.
It's diet, dude.
Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea.